Fear – It’s What We Live On
 
It’s the thing that motivates us most. From the time we wake up in the morning and experience that sinking feeling until we put our head on the pillow in the evening, fear is often the flames scorching our collective back sides. Have you ever ascended from the depths of a profound sleep and maybe a pleasant dream to be jolted into waking by the alarm clock? You quickly grasp that you have to confront another day, and realize that you might be unable or unwilling to face down your fears. But we get up and slog onward for fear of being late for work and losing our jobs, fearing traffic conditions and relations with co-workers. Fearing dealings with family and friends and playing out the worst-case scenarios in order to be “prepared”.
 
Just pause for a moment before you get out of bed and start your day. What, exactly, is it that you fear? What are the origins of the existential malaise that so many of us feel as a chronic condition? Buddhism teaches us that our emotions, fear being the most prominent and frequent among them, are simply fabrications of our ego and result from an obsession with the “me” or the “I” that we all believe is the center of our universe. This is the origin of our fear. 

 
Fear, Authority and Manipulation
 
Fear is the tool that those in ostensible or formal positions of authority have used for millennia to keep the masses under control. In many cases it starts from birth when we’re old enough to understand the authority our parents derive from the mere fact that “they gave us life.” Was the noble act of propagating humanity uppermost in their minds when they were in the process of conceiving us? This is highly unlikely but the implicit threat in this type of fear-mongering is that if I gave you life then I can just as easily take it away and that you owe me everything. While this is an extreme, this ethos of parental authority manifests itself in child-rearing methods that include all types of verbal and physical abuse, all of which are based on fear. As humans we respond to fear more readily than other incentives, and in the short term, parental terror-tactics are effective in getting the desired results – i.e. blind obedience to authority – another thing that is assiduously avoided by all Buddhists. This method requires constant maintenance and results in people who work hard to fit it, not make waves, and who live in a constant state of anxiety. We spend a large part of our lives and incomes as adults undoing the negative effects of this type of child-rearing in sessions with counselors, group therapy and now, medicating away our depression and fear.
 
On a societal level, our teachers, community, business and government leaders and other figures of public authority all use some variation of pressing the fear buttons to keep us in line. Many of these make sense – traffic signals, and other restrictions, bans on public smoking, etc., but we’ve created a culture in which prohibition and threats seem to be the default methods for modifying behavior. Using positive incentives or just being transparent about our motives with our children, friends, co-workers and acquaintances can help us to avoid the negative approach and the imagined need for coercion.
 
Facing “Reality”
 
Transparency among other things, is a key to self-transformation and the alleviation of the suffering that results from fear. Transparency in this case starts with the illusion of the self or the social masks that we create so that we can get by in the world. Many of us Buddhists agree that reality is an illusion, but it’s a persistent one and one with which we have to deal. So now it’s time to get real, readers. I’m not offering you any saccharine self-help remedies that start out by telling how wonderful you are and how you need to learn to love yourself first. I am telling you that what you call your “self” is a fabrication of your ego and simply a tool that you developed to 1. Overcome all of the insecurities created by the factors I mentioned above, and 2. deal with your concept of reality. See it that way and you’ve begun to see that fear is also a fabrication of your mind, an illusion created by an ego that you believe is your true self when, clearly it’s not.
 
So if your life is a play in the theatre of the absurd, don’t forget who produced, wrote and directed it. It is, and always was – you. Yes, you can decide how to respond to the stimuli that are placed into your environment. In most cases, fear was the key player in the large majority of your decisions. If your life has been a tragedy thus far, fire the actors and the director and write a new script. As a start, think about how you want the scenario to play out and act on this. This is still the fabrication of an illusion, but at least you’ve taken control, and as long as you can see it as an illusion, there won’t be any disappointment if things don’t turn out exactly as you planned. Get comfortable with a bit of improvisation as well. I advise this as an intermediate step to total liberation from fear since so many people ask me how to deal with the concept of reality as illusion. It’s not possible to ignore and pretend it doesn’t exist – but once again – it’s a fabrication of our own mind. Meditate on this concept and you can begin to see how to let go of it completely. In the beginning then, produce something that you enjoy and that might useful and entertaining to others. If we have to deal with an illusory world, create a “reality” that promotes emotional stability within and harmony with everything around you, i.e. the universe.
 
To continue to theatrical metaphor, the final step in the process of liberation from fear, is to close the theatre completely. That’s right, show’s over, return the ticketholders’ money and send them home. Even though the critics raved, the play has been permanently cancelled. After you’ve reached a certain level of awareness and mindfulness, there’s no longer any need to perform. You’ve ceased to produce any effort for the illusory world and you abide in the pure essence of your true mind. How does all of this happen and how can it happen for you?
 
Meditation – The Path to The True Self and Liberation from Fear
 
We come to these liberated states of mind during sitting meditation – the essence of a Zen Buddhist practice. The goal of this activity is really first, to have no goal. To sit quietly and clear the mind of all discursive thought is the way to find the path to liberation from fear, a deep understanding of our true selves and ultimately, enlightenment. But to get there, we need to create a profoundly still mind, devoid of all thought that abides in the “emptiness.” The Sanskrit word “sunyata” is translated in many ways. I can mean absence, emptiness, the illusory nature of phenomena, or non-reality. In essence, it’s that state of mind where thinking ceases, after the doors to the theatre have been closed, that place from which all is created and all is possible. It is a state of mind easier to experience than it is to describe and we learn it in our weekly meditation session every Sunday at 9:45 am.
 
We’re located at 6326 Camino Del Rey in Bonsall, about 35 miles north of San Diego and about a 2 hours drive from Los Angeles. Join us every Sunday for a meditation session, a Dharma discussion and a free vegan lunch. All are welcome. 
 
 
 Reply Forward

Many people ask me – “What is Buddhism?” and “why do you practice it?” It’s often more helpful for me to answer these questions by explaining what Buddhism is NOT. It is not an organized religion in which practitioners worship an omnipotent, omniscient supreme being. This is one of its greatest strengths. Look at any newspaper front page and notice at all the suffering caused by “Organized Religion.” Buddhism is a design for living a life in the present moment while we are alive and walking on this earth. It’s lack of central organization, dogma and law has been one of the reasons for its acceptance in many different countries. It has the flexibiity to be assimilated by many different cultures since its basic tenets deal with the basic truths and reality of our mundane existence.

Another way to look at Buddhism is to look at those things of which it is “free”

1. Buddhism is free of fear – No one is telling you you “must” do anything. The Buddha is not a vengeful deity who punishes those who disobey his laws. In fact, Buddhism is distinctly free of any “law.” The Buddha is a human being just like us, who left behind teachings that are useful for us in ending the suffering inherent in our existence. There is no doctrine or dogma and Buddhists are encouraged to reconcile tenets of the practice with reason and logic. Practitioners must bend their system of beliefs to fit the facts, not vice-versa. So if a teaching does not square
with your reason, don’t reject it out of hand, just set it aside for a while and study it, contemplate it. If you cannot reconcile it with reason and logic, then toss it out.

The other afflictions of which Buddhism is refreshingly “Free” are as follows:

2. Superstition: Merriam Webster defines it as follows: a belief or practice resulting from ignorance, fear of the unknown, trust in magic or chance, or a false conception of causation b : an irrational abject attitude of mind toward the supernatural, nature, or God resulting from superstition. Rest assured that the practice of Buddhism is totally free of al of the foregoing.

3. Blind Faith:Here is what a well-known spiritual leader has to say on the subject: “Dharma, or the teachings, is not a series of instructions to be believed and followed out of blind faith. The practice of Dharma should be carried out on the basis of reason and contemplation. If one accepts a point or practice or doctrine out of blind faith, one is accepting it for the wrong reasons and in the wrong way. Whenever I myself encounter a contradiction between doctrine and reason, I always give priority to reason. Buddha taught many levels and types of doctrines in according to the knowledge of his audiences, and we must discern for ourselves what was meant literally and what only figuratively.” – The Dalai Lama. Basically, the unquestioning acceptance of a teaching or a doctrine is blind faith. Buddhists don’t ask for this nor do we put up with it.

4. Mindless Adherence to Ritual: Buddhist practice around the world is rife with ritual and ceremony. There is nothing wrong with this per se, since rituals and ceremomies are usually part of the culture in which Buddhism had taken root, and has meaning within that context. What is not expected of practitioners is performing rituals, like chanting and reciting sutras, and bowing before icons with no understanding of the significance of the gesture. The practitioner is encouraged to always understand the meaning of what they are doing, rather than doing something because “that is what’s done here” or “it’s been done this way for many years.” – Always ask “why?”

5. The Need to Blindly Follow a Leader or Teacher: There are many spiritual teachers and leaders who purport to know the ultimate truth, or claim to be “enlightened.” When you encounter someone like this, you can be sure that you’re in the presence of a con artist or a charlatan. There are many examples of spiritual leaders of all faiths and practices who make millions from naive, desperate and hopeless indivuals who are looking for an end to suffering. Another indication that a teacher is a fake is if entry to the practice requires money. This, along with an opulent lifestyle or the justification that “a higher power has blessed me and so I live a life of luxury” is a strong indicator that you’ve discovered a shake-down artist.

Short of this, there are many other teachers and leaders who may just not work for you. Talk to as many spiritual guides as possible and research them thoroughly. Don’t hesitate to ask them about their background or how thay came to their calling.

At Dai Dang Meditation Center it is our goal to uphold the Bodhisattva vow that the merit and virtue of the teachings will go everywhere, and reach everyone so that all of us (present at our Sunday Dharma discussions) and all living beings will realize the Buddha way.

The Buddha way is to be found in the Sutras and teachings of the Buddha and his successors in the Dharma. This is where we find the truth and a method for ending our suffering. We use practical methods to help you put the Dharma into your daily life to alleviate your suffering. With logic and reason as a firm foundation we open as many Dharma Doors as possible for you to develop deeper understanding of the causes and origins of suffering.

In our discussions every Sunday over the next 5 weeks we will be talking about the “Five Virtues” of Buddhism and how to apply them to your practice. We also teach meditation and practice it for a period of 30 minutes at each session. We begin at 9:45 in our main meditation room at 6326 Camino Del Rey in Bonsall, CA. If you have any questions, please contact me at tdanggiac@gmail.com. Hope to see you again soon.

Here is the next installment in the saga of the 6th Patriarch, Hui Neng. I’ve added a few things to this chapter that are new, and would appreciate any feedback on this.

These next few posts will contain the Platform Sutra or the story of Hui Neng, the 6th patriarch of Zen Buddhism. It is a story that contains the cornerstones of our practice and laid the foundation for subsequent teachers of the path to enlightenment. We’re working with a new video medium that tells the story in words, pictures and sounds in a documentary style. The text for this sutra can be found here if you wish to print it out to read along. I suggest that you watch each chapter more than once and let the images and spoken words tell this amazing story.

This is the first of 6 chapters that have been organized to provide the viewer with insight into how Hui Neng came to his calling. Each chapter tells of a specific incident or epiphany that came upon him as he made the journey from “illiterate barbarian” to the keeper of the robes and the Dharma. We hope you enjoy this and we welcome your comments and questions.

Saturday, September 24th, 2011, starting at 9:00am,  Thay Joe Roissier of the Dai Dang Meditation Center, will host a community service event at the Fallbrook Public Library. The program will consist of 3 activities:

1. Zen Meditation Class

What is this thing called Zen? What does it mean? How do we meditate? All of these questions will be answered and you will leave the class with a basic knowledge of how to sit and bring your mind into tranquility and stillness. We will talk about the benefits of meditating for our mind and body and learn ways to apply the method in our daily lives.

2. Support Group for People Living with Cancer

This group is for people who have cancer and for their caregivers. We will follow the topic: “Living Constructively with Cancer.” How has cancer changed our lives and the lives of our families? Do we have to give up everything we did in our lives before the onset of the illness? How much should we let go? We will ask that participants stay on the subject and share with us how they’ve coped with the disease and if possible, how they’ve triumphed and learned to live a better life, post-cancer.

3. Journal and Literature Discussion Session

We’ve often been encouraged by professionals to keep a journal or diary of our thoughts and emotions as we deal with the physical and psychological turmoil caused by cancer. But how do we do this? Is it merely jotting down our random thoughts and is this journal just for our own personal satisfaction? We may or may not want to share any of this with others, and we understand why. However, if any participants feel strongly about their emotional progress in overcoming the challenges we face as people living with cancer, this is the forum in which to share it.

Aside from our personal writings, bloggings or diary entries, we also encourage you to bring samples or excerpts of literature already published that are relevant to this discussion. There are many good books on this topic that range from well-researched non-fiction(“The Emperor of All Maladies” by Siddhartha Mukherjee) to critical treatise on the social reactions to the disease (“Illness as Metaphor” by Susan Sontag) to deeply personal memoir (“A Whole New Life” by Reynolds Price).

There are also poems and song lyrics that might address relevant topics and we suggest that you bring these to recite and share with the group. In short, this part of the morning is a chance for us all to engage in a catharsis through the written and spoken word and to unburden our souls in a group of compassionate comrades in arms. Join us.

Location: 124 South Mission Road, Fallbrook CA 92028. The new Fallbrook Public Library is part of the San Diego County system and was just completed in April of this year. We use the modern community center which employs all the latest in audio/visual technology in a very comfortable setting.

Who Should Attend: The meditation class is open to anyone, regardless of health status. The remaining two sessions are for those who have or have had cancer and their caregivers. We ask that all attendees respect this distinction.

Facilitators/Moderators: Joseph Roissier (aka Thay Dang Giac) is a Zen Buddhist monk, cancer survivor, and full time resident of the Dai Dang Meditation Center. For more info on his background, click on the “About” tab above and watch the video included in this post.

Note: We strive to maintain a neutral approach regarding Buddhism or any other religion. However, there are basic tenets of the Buddhist practice that are inseperable from the techniques of Zen meditation. Also, the entire class is completely free of charge but we gratefully accept donations. All proceeds go to the benefit of the Dai Dang Meditation Center, a California 5013c Non-Profit Organization.

What: An introduction to meditation open to all, regardless of health status followed by a group discussion to support open communication in a structured, compassionate community of people whose lives have been affected by cancer. This is followed by a free vegan lunch at the Dai Dang Meditation Center.

Where: At the Community Center of the Fallbrook Public Library 124 S. Mission Road, Fallbrook, CA 92028.  The free vegan lunch is offered at the Dai Dang Meditation Center 6326 Camino Del Rey, Bonsall CA, a 15 minute drive from the Fallbrook Library.

Why: To develop awareness of meditation practice and the positive effects on our well-being for the community at large and for those living with Cancer. The Dai Dang Meditation center wishes to foster a sense of community in the local area and to provide compassionate support for those in need.

Who: Sponsored by the monastic community at Dai Dang Meditation Center, and supported by a group of professional psychologists who have treated the emotional and psychological effects of the disease and who have run cancer support groups for patients from all walks of life. Our order of monks originated in Vietnam and is known as The Vietnamese Buddhist Meditation Congregation. Click here for more information.

When: The third or fourth Saturday of each month. Our inaugural event will take place starting Saturday, August 20th, 2011 at 9:00 am ending at 10:30 am. We have events scheduled for September 24th and October 29th.  Lunch is included after each session and begins at 11:30 at the Dai Dang Meditation Center. See agenda below.

Who Should Attend: People in all walks of life who are interested in a regular meditation practice to develop inner peace and to get in touch with their true selves by finding that base of tranquility that lies deep within us all.  The support group in the second half of the program is for people who are currently being treated for cancer, who were patients and now cancer free, or for those who provide care for a cancer patient.

Please Note: Although we are a Buddhist Organization, this is a strictly non-sectarian activity. Further, while donations are graciously accepted, they will not be solicited.

Since we have to plan for space and dining facilities, please RSVP to tdanggiac@gmail.com and we will confirm your place.

                                                                       Agenda

                   9:00 am -  Introduction to Dai Dang Meditation Center

                   9:15 am - Meditation Instruction – Q&A                              

                   9:30 am - Meditation Session

                   9:45 am - Cancer Support Group

                   10:30 am – Closing Remarks, Q & A,  Surveys

                   11:30 - Free Vegan Lunch at Dai Dang Meditation Center

Discussion Topic – The Effects of Cancer on Our Self-Image

Does this disease define who we are? For many of us, it has been a life-altering experience, but how much of this can we control? The answer, surprisingly, is quite a lot. We may have been physically affected by this condition, and many of our options may have been limited as a result.  So what does this leave us with? If our minds are clear, our most precious abilities are still intact.

If we are able to think, reason and act, we can still have a profound effect on our friends, family, loved ones and this world in which we live. As much as our bodies may have changed, our mind does not have to. There are the emotional challenges that come with a potentially life threatening illness, but we can control the extent of this purely mental effect.

We have to make adjustments to the way we use to live, but what should these be? What parts of our “former selves” can we maintain and which parts must we let go? Making these difficult judgement calls is the key to living in peace with our lives, regardless of health status. This support group will will discuss the options open to patients and their caregivers as we all pass through this sometimes arduous journey that is life with cancer. In summary, this talk will help us to reinvent ourselves for the better, and in the process discover things about our true selves that were hitherto unknown.  

Organizers and Participants:

Joseph Roissier/Thay Dang Giac

Joseph Roissier is an ordained Buddhist monk and full time member of the monastic community at the Dai Dang Meditation Center. He was ordained Thich Dang Giac (Light of Awareness in Vietnamese) in Dalat, Vietnam in January of 2010 and resides full time at the monastery in Bonsall. A survivor of prostate cancer himself, Mr. Roissier continues to be treated at UCSD Moores Cancer Center and works through the meditation center to sponsor these training session and support groups. He holds Dharma discussions at Dai Dang every Sunday that are open to the general public. Prior to becoming a monk, Mr. Roissier was a lecturer at RMIT International University in Vietnam, and worked for many years in the telecommunications business establishing companies in Western Europe,  Asia and North America.

What: A half day of meditation, communication and support in a structured, compassionate community of people whose lives have been affected by cancer.

Where: At the Dai Dang Meditation Center. 6326 Camino Del Rey, Bonsall California, 30 mi. north of San Diego (Click here for map)

The Entrance to Dai Dang Meditation Center

Who: Sponsored by the monastic community at Dai Dang Meditation Center, and supported by a group of professional psychologists who have treated the emotional and psychological effects of the disease and who have run cancer support groups for patients from all walks of life. Our order of monks originated in Vietnam and is known as The Vietnamese Buddhist Meditation Congregation. Click here for more information. See profiles of participants below.

When: The last Sunday of each month. Our inagural event will take place starting Saturday, June 25th, 2011 at 10:00 am ending at 1:00 pm. Lunch is included. See agenda below.

Who Should Attend: People who are currently being treated for cancer, who were patients and now cancer free, or for those who provide care for a cancer patient.

Please Note: Although this event is held at our Buddhist Monastery, this is a strictly non-sectarian activity. Further, while donations are graciously accepted, they will not be solicited.

Since we have to plan for space and dining facilities, please RSVP to tdanggiac@gmail.com and we will confirm your place.

                                                                       Agenda

                   10:00 –  Orientation and Introduction

                   10:15 – Meditation Instruction – Q&A                              

                   10:30 – Meditation Session

                   11:00 – Walking Meditation

                   11:30 – Silent Vegan Lunch

                   12:00 – Group Discussion – Cancer and Communication 

                   1:00 – Close

Discussion Topic – Cancer and Communication

The cancer patient and their caregivers have many challeneges in communicating their situation to those who are what we might call “healthy.” How do we gauge the level of detail anyone wants to hear about our condition? Do we tell a different story to casual acquaintances than we do to relatives and close friends?  What is the standard “press release” if you will, that we can communicate to the outside world so they are informed, yet not alarmed and to what extent should we speak in positive terms so that we stay focused on the present moment and maintain hope for the future?

Many patients and caregivers may face this dilemma by painting an optimistic picture that serves two purposes; it lets others feel that everything is OK, even if it isn’t, and it helps us to stay on the bright side, in the hopes that a positive attitude will help our own emotional state to improve.  While this is often true, our culture has a strong bias against anything that may appear negative or pessimistic and we often feel pressured to tell our well-wishing friends that all is well and that we’re going to get better.  We want to be realistic with ourselves and others, yet we have an innate human tendency to hold on to hope and to sustain life at all costs. This discussion will help us to resolve this conflict.

Another facet of this issue is communicating with our doctors. How do we tell them that we just aren’t buying their diagnosis? How do we go about getting the second opinion if we feel that there are treatments out there that would help us, but with which our doctor is unfamiliar?  Cancer professionals, being specialists, often get tunnel vision. The radiation oncologist will often tell you that radiation is imperative, while the medical oncologist will maintain that the radiation will cause problems and that chemotherapy is the answer. How do we communicate with our medical care providers to resolve these paradoxes?

Our group discussion for this day will cover these topics and will also give both patients and caregivers a confidential forum in which to express their deepest anxieties and fears about the illness with the support from a compassionate group of peers and professionals who have overcome the illness or previously worked with those affected by it.

The Monks of Dai Dang in a walking meditation ceremony

Further, the meditation session is taught by Dr. Regina Huelsenbeck (see profile below) an experienced practitioner and instructor of Mindfulness Meditation with a professional practice in the Carmel Valley and Encinitas. The discussion groups will be moderated by professionals and monastics with many years of experience in planning and running discussion groups and therapy sessions for people with cancer.

Please come and join us for a half day on the beautiful, serene grounds of the Dai Dang Meditation Center in an open forum with others who walk the same path toward a deeper understanding of this condition that affects so many of us and those we know and love.  

Organizers and Participants:

Joseph Roissier/Thay Dang Giac

We grow some of our own food here and we keep to a vegan diet. Join us for lunch!

Joseph Roissier is an ordained Buddhist monk and full time member of the monastic community at the Dai Dang Meditation Center. He was ordained Thich Dang Giac (Light of Awareness in Vietnamese) in Dalat, Vietnam in January of 2010 and resides full time at the monastery in Bonsall. A survivor of prostate cancer himself, Mr. Roissier continues to be treated at UCSD Moores Cancer Center and works through the meditation center to sponsor these Days of Awareness. He holds Dharma discussions at Dai Dang every Sunday that are open to the general public. Prior to becoming a monk, Mr. Roissier was a lecturer at RMIT International University in Vietnam, and worked for many years in the telecommunications business establishing companies in Western Europe,  Asia and North America.

 Dr. Regina Huelsenbeck

Dr. Huelsenbeck has a wide range of clinical and research experience with many different types of problems. She specializes in working mindfully with individuals who are transitioning through some of life’s greatest challenges such as living with a chronic or terminal illness like cancer, or overcoming a debilitating depression.

Dr. Huelsenbeck is a cancer survivor herself and completed her doctoral research on the trauma of living with cancer.

She began her graduate training in clinical psychology eleven years ago with Pepperdine University. After completing her Masters degree in clinical psychology, Dr. Huelsenbeck then completed two years of clinical internships with community mental health centers where she worked with children, adolescents, and adults.

She moved to San Diego where she completed two additional clinical internships, one of which was a specialized trauma internship with UCSD helping women suffering from posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). She also authored a chapter on the psychological experience of living through the trauma of cancer for the book “Hope Begins in the Dark”, by NEWSWEEK journalist Jamie Reno. Dr. Huelsenbeck was also the founder of the Mindfulness task force group within the San Diego Psychological Association.

Currently, Dr. Huelsenbeck is in private practice in San Diego Carmel Valley and Encinitas under the supervision of Dr. Carrie Jaffe. Additionally, she leads a free mindfulness meditation cancer support group sponsored by the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and the David Blackburn Wings of Care program at the Pacific Oncology and Hematology clinic in Encinitas, CA.

Thay Dang Huy

Formerly known as Tam Tran, Thich Dang Huy (Brilliant Light) has been a member of the Dai Dang Monastic community for 7 years. Born and raised in Saigon, Thich Dang Huy studied at the Hahneman University in Philadephia and graduated with a degree in develpomental psychology. He mentors Mr. Roissier in organizing and running Dharma discussion groups and meditation sessions on Sundays at Dai Dang Meditation Center.

What have we inherited from our ancestors and what will we pass down to succeeding generations? When most of us think about this question, we think about money or some other form of material wealth. There is value in passing financial assets and a sense of stability down to our children, but what does this really do for them?

I delivered the eulogy at my fathers memorial service seven years ago, and I recall reminiscing about the things he did for me. He did buy me a car when I was 17, and he did support me well until my third year in college. I developed a sense of entitlement as a result of his generosity, and felt abandonded when he told me that he had three other kids to educate and that, henceforth, I was on my own financially. I was forced to pay for my own educaton and support myself for two years in Boston, an expensive place to live and study. 

Through a combination of part time jobs and student loans, I did finish with a BA, and a sense of independence and self-reliance that ended up being more valuable than any sum of money that my Dad could have passed on. This may seem like a rationale for a situation I couldn’t change, but sometimes we need to rationalize to get through the day.  Moreover, adversity teaches us important lessons. We need to appreciate the hard-earned wisdom and wealth that can’t be measured in dollars and cents.

My father ran a successful small business for almost 30 years before he burned out and closed it down. During that time, he freely shared with us what he earned and taught us to enjoy life. I can’t really recall much of the material things he gave me, but I do remember him making the time to help me with my homework and coming to all of my soccer games to cheer me on.

I also remember very clearly why he finally closed his business. He had been winning local government contracts for many years, which had been the foundation of his steady income. When a new admininstration was elected in our small town, he was encouraged to kick back to some of the local political hacks and he refused. This caused us all a bit of financial hardship, while he searched for a new job, but we survived. What also survived intact was my father’s honesty and integrity. This was more valuable than anything he might have bought for us. I would have forgotten any gifts or expensive vacations he might have provided, but I’ll always remember the lesson he taught us about ethics and sticking  to the truth.

How can I pass these lessons on to my children? Can I teach with words what my father taught so well by his unforgettable example? Stories and parables are good ways to pass on this valuable wisdom, but since actions speak louder than words, how can we be role models and set an example? How do we define in the first place the values and ethics that we want to pass on? I’ll be starting a new blog soon to explore these parenting issues in further detail.  I’ll publish the link shortly and re publish this article so stay tuned for that. In the new blog, I’ll be passing on a numberof things on to my son, Alex  and I want to share them with you as he develops.

Alex is turning fourteen this coming May. We keep a running dialog going during his visits to my monastery every Sunday and when I see him during the week to bring him to his music lessons. This is helpful for him since it gives him the chance to talk to me confidentially about issues that he finds senistive and might need to stay private. I try to pass on what I can, but this really depends on his needs at the time we meet. 

We were recently on the east coast and we took a tour of the the campus at Princeton University which is near where I went to high school almost 40 years ago. He was impressed by the ivy covered walls and gothic architecture and he believes he would like to study there, if he could get accepted.  I’ll encourage this dream and help him to attain it as much as I can. Since I have time to spend with him, I can mentor and train him to attain this goal. In fact, I have lots more time than money so this is about all I can do. Will this be enough? If I had the resources, could I not just throw a lot of money at expensive private schools and tutors to achieve the same ends?

I think you all know where I’m headed here. I don’t have the resources to subcontract out his education, and I believe this is a disguised blessing. What I do have is the time and know-how to coach him to get him into the college of his choice. We’ve developed a detailed, written four year plan for his high school education and outside activities that will help him to attain this goal. Whether he follows it or not is another story. I started this activity on his suggestion and I can only hope that his enthusiasm doesn’t wane. I will also chronicle the details of the plan and report on how much of it we’re able to achieve.

I am also trying to teach him about the meaning of money in our lives. To be perfectly blunt, I believe that it’s almost completely irrelevant. I believe it’s the ultimate illusion that we’ve created as a store of wealth and a unit of measurement. I believe that we should live our lives and set our goals keeping money in its proper perspective. If we do this right, and we achieve things that are valuable to others, the money will just manifest itself. It will always be there. It is not an end in itself, but merely a measurement of our ability to be useful to others. Once we’ve acheived a certain level of success as defined by this approach, we need to be responsible with our finances, but it need not be the driving force in our lives. 

This is the first gift that I want to give to my son. I want him to have the confidence in his abilities to set high, but achievable goals, and then just attain them. If a good part of his efforts are focused beyond himself, he’ll always make a good living and find the rewards and the deeper meaning in his daily life. I can say this, but how do I help him to know this in his heart?

I’ll be posting more on this topic on the new blog as the life of my son unfolds. I am trying to arrange experiences for him that will teach him better than any lectures I could give him during our meetings. I would appreciate any suggestions that you all might have.

Dharma Doors will continue, but it will be focused more on issues of compassion and spirituality. I wanted to give more focus to parenting in the modern world, so look for the announcement of the new blog via e-mail. – Thank you all for your support.